Trusting the change

This has been a year of big changes for me. I've gone from a plump 25 lbs overweight, to a slim and very fit <100 lbs which I've maintained since Mayish. I changed my attitude, my nutrition, my entire way of life. Workouts aren't an option or something to fit in, they are priority and happen. It doesn't matter what time it is. I now belong to a 24 hr cardlock gym. Wasn't that a handy choice??

Being fit isn't something new for me, I've spent most of my life slim, if not blatantly fit as when I was running marathons.

Since moving to Colorado, I began a slow plumper-ization. I arrived with a broken heart and a broken shoulder, took me several years to get past both of those things. In the process, my running mojo packed up and left town. It was also reallllly convenient to blame the altitude on my lack of desire to run. No air up here, right?? Finally, I just accepted it, put it behind me and just lived. Had a few excursions to the local gym, but no real goals and without a goal, I flop around like a fish on the beach.

I had a fantastic year work wise in 2009. I peeled off my fleece late that Spring and found I was just FAT. And I mean F.A.T.  Blubber, rolls, muffin top. Really, really unattractive on my small frame! For a bit, I told myself it was just part of aging, after all I was approaching the big Five Oh.  50. I hated to admit it came from eating only once a day and indulging shamelessly in all my favorite things: homemade bread, good cheeses, dark chocolate, homemade cookies and big bold red wines. No, nothing high cal in those foods, right?? Sure.

I went back to the gym. I watched what I ate but cut loose on the weekends. Sure, that works too. Chasing my tail. I finally lost enough that I was okay with the number, but I'd never seen so much FAT on this body, ever. Body fat content was out of control. At the end of the year, I was sick and tired of fighting the fat, arguing with myself, hating my workouts, etc. I needed something more solid. A PLAN.

I bought P90X.
I was tired of that stupid infomercial taunting me in the middle of the night. I finally figured out the were talking to me. Fat girl.
I needed a challenge, I needed a hard and fast goal. I had a number of people tell me there was no way I could do that program and actually laugh at me. That just pissed me off. You tell me I CAN'T, I'll show you just how well I CAN.

I followed the food plan diligently. No cheating. Not even on the weekends. I was perfect. I did every  workout. While challenging, they weren't impossible. I think the body remembered it's former fitness and finally gave up the fight and went along for the ride! Not to say I wasn't sore and tired, I was. I happen to thrive on those feelings so I just kept after it. I didn't drop one single pound for almost a month. Instead of giving up the first week I didn't lose any weight, I simply stayed off of the scale. I knew I wasn't cheating, I knew I was working out hard and I knew my results would follow.

And they did. At the end of 90 days, I had more muscle than I've ever seen on this body. I started Insanity and did 5 of the 8 weeks before going back to P90X and One on Ones by Tony. I couldn't handle not lifting weights. Along this 180 day stretch, another really miraculous thing happened.

I can do pull ups.
Lots of them.

When I started, I couldn't do 1/4 of one. They were my nemesis. I hated chest and back day because I couldn't do push ups and pull ups! Push ups were on my knees after about 12. Pull ups involved a chair, tapping up and lowering myself under my own steam. Lather, rinse repeat.

One night, at about the 60 dayish mark, I was not having a good session, just wasn't lifting well, not in the zone, blah blah blah. Well, I was mad. I turned around and jumped on the pull up bar and pulled myself up. NO CHAIR. I did 3 full pull ups. THREE!! I was so excited, I laughed out loud (I live alone!) and I sobbed a bit even. It grew from there. My record is 30 chin ups, 20 pull ups. I love them.
I do them nearly daily. My back is ripped. :-)

Now, as the year is coming to a close, I'm one fit gal. I've made plans to run a Boston qualifier next year and run Boston in 2012. I know I can do this, in my mind it's already done. I want to make a good memory of that race to replace my last really awful experience. I ran last time with a broken tailbone and a really horrific SO along with me. This time, it will be my race, my experience to own.   I'm pretty excited, I love Boston!

This was a whole lot of words to get to what prompted me to write this tonight. Trusting change.
I still put on a pair of jeans and hold my breath in anticipation of them being too tight. The truth is, they are loose. In some cases, un-wearably loose.

I count calories, measure portions, don't eat processed foods, refined sugar or white flour. I eat really clean. I work out hard. I'm beginning to run again. Why do I still have the fear I'm going to get fat again?

I know I'll never let myself return to that foreign fat girl. It was short lived and not me at all, I know that. I plan my next goals out before my current ones are complete. I always have a path to follow, it's what keeps me going, a new challenge is necessary to me. So why does it cross my mind every.single.time that the pants might be too tight? I know that it's fear of stopping workouts and becoming a sloth again. I have the eating part dialed in, I don't even want any crap food. Other than the little foray into trash food that got me here, my diet has typically been pretty good most of my life. Not a huge junk food fan. Notice even my trash food was homemade. :P

One foot in front of the other. Being aware of my potential downfall is most of the battle. Plan, plan plan.
I've loved seeing the progress and the changes in myself, I am excited to watch my runner-self emerge again as well. Onward!

We work really hard to reach our goals, it's never easy nor ever a linear path.
Met goals are celebrations, not a ticket backwards!

I'm going to trust my changes.
I owe myself that piece.
:-)

Finally....

I've been wanting to blog all year. I bought a domain name and wanted to use that, but alas, I can't seem to choose a host and get all that organized, so for now..... my home is Blogger.com.

This blog will contain whatever is on my mind. Largely, that will be fitness related as it's a priority and pretty much number one in my life. I'm never short of opinions, insights and a rant now and again.

Join me in my observations, thoughts and varying amounts of drivel.

Aloha!